Christmas is not my favourite holiday. It used to be when I was a child. We spent so much time with family every year at Christmastime how could I not love it? It truly was joyful.
Unfortunately, years of stress and pain surrounding every Christmas since I left my abusive marriage has really destroyed my love of the season. I still spend time with family, although a much smaller bunch these days. We still have music, memories, presents and great food, but where there was once joy now there is an emptiness in my heart. Even now that I have some relationship again with my alienated daughter, Christmas is not the same.
I don’t hate it. It’s just not the same as it used to be.
For targeted parents of PA the holidays can bring up strong feelings of grief. The family focused holidays are a painful reminder of the loss in your life. The ache in your heart can feel even more intense at this time of year.
When you have been separated from your child by acts of hatred, and your relationship has been cut off no matter how hard you tried to save it, there is profound loss. It is like a death, but there is no funeral or memorial service. There are no cards of sympathy, or friends gathering to support you. There is no ‘closure’ or ritual to acknowledge the change in our life.
Targeted parents get robbed of the right to grieve.
Well-meaning friends and family often encourage us to ‘let it go’ and ‘get past it’ by accepting the way life is and getting on with it. But even finding acceptance of the situation as an alienated parent does not make the grief over the loss of relationship, identity, hopes and dreams any less real. Just because there is a chance that some day you may be reunited with your alienated child, it does not mean that the loss you have experienced isn’t painful and often devastating.
The number one thing you can do for yourself as a targeted parent this holiday season is claim your right to grieve. Recognize that your loss is real, and being separated from your child by alienation is a death. It is the death of your hopes and dreams of a happy well supported life for that child, and for yourself as a parent. It is the death of your relationship. It is the death of your identity as a parent of that child. Any of that is worthy of proper grief.
Expression of the energy of grief is essential to dealing with the loss and pain you are experiencing. Ways to work through the grief can vary as much as the individual. It may take the form of vigorous physical exercise, deep concentration and problem solving, intense creativity in visual, music, or literary arts, or moments of deep meditation or prayerful silence. Try to find your way to acknowledge and express your grief.
If you are finding that the sadness and grief is too overwhelming, or you just need for a compassionate ear to listen to you share your true feelings about being alienated from your child, seek out a professional counsellor or therapist. Try to find someone who has knowledge and understanding of parental alienation. Even the most well-intentioned therapist who does not understand what PA is and how it comes about can be harmful more than helpful. It may take a couple of tries to find the right person.
This holiday season, give your grief it’s proper place. Recognize your right to grieve, and take time to find a positive way to express and utilize the energy of grief. At the same time remember to recognize the places of joy in your life – family, friends and community who are with you and want nothing but the best for you. Acknowledge and honour those as well. They will be your lifeline to coming through the grief into a new light and a new year.
Merry Christmas…happy holidays…may the force be with you. 😉
My family persecutes me when I grieve. They say get over it and scold me. More cruelty.