To the Parents of My Grandchildren

Dear Parents of My Grandchildren,

Being a parent will bring you MOST amazingly rewarding, and heart-breakingly painful, experiences that you will ever have in your life.

Being a parent requires you to think beyond yourself, and become responsible for more than one person.

Being a parent requires that you not only learn how to take care of a child’s physical needs, but equally important, that you learn to care for your child’s emotional and spiritual needs as well.

At times it may appear to be a nearly impossible task, but for a loving parent it becomes second nature.  All it takes is awareness of how the environment you are providing for the child, and the examples you are setting for them by your words and actions, reveal your real message.  If what you say and do and live shows love for the child, for yourself, for others in that child’s life, and for their neighbour, they will learn love, and feel safe and secure, and grow happy and healthy.

While the task of being a parent becomes infinitely more difficult when the parents are not in a loving relationship, it doesn’t mean that the child has to experience any less love or positive relationships with BOTH parents – it just takes more effort be sure that it happens, and that the parent’s feelings for each other do not override their love for their child.  A person who tries to use the child as a weapon to hurt the other parent by interfering with the relationship between the parent and child, hates their ex more than they love their own child.

A wise Family Court Judge said to me once, that the very best thing a parent can do for their child, is to love that child’s other parent.  He told us to treat each other with love and respect for the parent that they are, and your child will grow to be happy and healthy. And finally, he advised “Don’t fight – instead, kill each other with kindness.”

I have no doubt that you both love your child very much, and want nothing more than to be the best possible parents you can.  Here’s a bit of (grand)motherly advice for you both:

• When you stop yourself or others from saying mean or harmful things about the other parent, whether in the presence of the child or not, you are being a good parent.

• When you say complimentary and kind things about the other parent, especially when you say them to your child, you are being a great parent.

• When you recognize that what it takes to be a parent is not only found in books or parenting courses, but in learning from family and friends, and most often just in finding through trial and error what works for you and the child, you are being a good parent.

• When you acknowledge and accept that every parent cares for their child differently, and that the difference is important and beneficial for the child, you are being a great parent.

• When you refrain from the urge to label your child good or bad based on which parent they are “just like” at a particular moment or when displaying a particular trait, you are being a good parent.

• When you encourage your child to love and embrace their heritage, and that of the two individuals that combine to make your child uniquely themselves, you are being a great parent.

• When you realize that there are things that you experienced in your own childhood and youth that may have negatively affected you and how you think about the role of parenting, you are being a good parent.

• When you stop yourself from letting your own issues and/or painful past experiences (we ALL have them) from negatively affecting how you parent your child, and instead use the lessons learned from those experiences to be a more loving and kind person and parent, you are being a great parent.

• When you stop thinking of your child as something that belongs to you and is something to have possession of, you are being a good parent.

• When you actively work to ensure that your child has the most opportunities to grow and develop a relationship with both parents and with their extended families, you are being a great parent.

I know that with the love you have for your child, you both can be very good parents.  It is my hope for my grandchildren, that you will grow into great parents.  With love, I know you can.

Pamela 

Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.