It’s Not Fair!!!

Seriously, sometimes I feel like a 5 year old obsessing over what’s fair or not fair.  Only I wish my injustices were as simple as who got to play longer with the blocks, or who got the bigger piece of pie.

As children we are learning to play fair with each other, and trusting that others will play fair with us.  As we grow we learn that it’s not always the case, but there’s usually an underlying reason, and perhaps our perception of “fair” is what needs adjusting.

As adults, for the most part we can just accept that in life things may not  always be what we would declare as “fair”, and choose to do something about it, or to just get on with it. Sometimes the choice is between choosing to be right, or choosing to be happy. But sometimes there are injustices that shake our very foundations and take us time to wrap our brains around.  We get blindsided and stunned.  They’re situations that go against our sense of order and justice, that cause us to question ourselves, our systems, and our beliefs.  Sometimes we come to an understanding, and sometimes we don’t.

When I grew up I came from a happy and secure home.  I had the love of my family, and learned a great deal about ‘fairness’ from my two older sibilings, as well as my parents, church, teachers and friends.

As I grew, I learned that if I worked hard I would gain things that I wanted.  I learned that if I were honest, I would be trusted.  I learned that if I were dishonest I would be found out and feel ashamed and be punished.  So I worked hard at school and was rewarded with high grades and respect of my teachers.  Later in life I worked hard and honestly at my job and was respected as a valued employee.  I was an honest and loyal friend and gained the respect and friendship of my peers.  When I lied, I was found out, and suffered consequences.  And if I were truly sorry, I was forgiven.

So, as I became an adult I expected that life would just go on this way.  I believed that people generally were honest and good, and when they weren’t there were consequences, and those consequences were reasonable and fair.  I thought we all had an opportunity to be heard and were always assumed to be honest and good unless proven otherwise, or “innocent until proven guilty”.  I thought the court systems were designed to be able to determine the truth by examining proof, and would find fair ways to deal with those who were in the wrong.  I assumed people would act for the greater good, especially in our court systems.

I was wrong.

 

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Peace

Peace in the home, peace in the world.

 

The International Day of Peace makes us think about peace in the world – nations fighting each other, wars, oppression, religious strife, governmental control and the like.  But really, where we need peace first is in our homes, amongst our families and neighbours in our communities.  If we had more of that, then maybe we’d have less aggression towards each other globally.

If all children were taught from a young age to embrace differences among people, to live in a way that is loving and helpful to others, and to stand up and do something when you see someone being mistreated, then maybe we’d start to see the change in the world.

I believe that all children have this in them from birth.  They know nothing but unconditional love.  But we as adults squash it out of them, and teach them the ‘bad’ habits and attitudes.  Adults have a tendency to want children to fall into line, agree with them, and ‘do as I say not as I do’.  Therein lies the problem – we don’t always do what’s right.  We don’t pay enough attention to what our children are learning from watching us and hearing us.  And we don’t give them enough credit for having their own opinions.  We tend to tell them what to believe, instead of allowing them to form ideas from exposure to many of life’s experiences.

Parental Alienation is a clear example of that kind of parenting.  The child is told what to believe about their parents, even though it is in conflict with their actual experiences.  They’re told – “mommy doesn’t love you anymore” or “daddy abandoned you” or that they need to be “protected” from their other parent.  But in reality the child has not experienced anything like this.  But, with enough effort, a parent seeking control over their child can convince them these things are true.  In the end, the alienating parent gets their revenge on the other parent, and all the while the child is left angry, confused, lonely, unheard, sad, and depressed.

It’s emotional abuse by a person who hates the other parent more than they love their own child.  It happens more often than you would think, and goes unchecked by authorities and child protection agencies all the time.

So is it any surprise, with parents who are willing to cause serious emotional harm to a child in order to further their own interests, that we don’t have peace in the world?

 

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Under Construction

I met my daughter’s father in a gas station when I was 17.  He was 16 and working full time there on the night shift.  We hung out there a lot, even though I probably shouldn’t have been there, no one ever noticed or complained.  It was a busy station, with a full serve gas bar and a car wash, located on a busy corner in my end of town.

For years after he moved on from that job, the station continued to be busy.  Everything seemed to be going well.  Just like my relationship with him – everything looked good from the outside.  We were all shiny and polished, like the cars that emerged from the wash, but beyond that exterior were toxins built up from years of neglect. Everything looked good on the outside, and for the longest time even I was fooled by appearances.

About 10 years later, right around the time that I finally decided to leave my abusive marriage, the gas station closed down.  The pumps were still there, the car wash still sat ready for customers to come through to make them look all shiny and clean, but there was no life left.  Everything sat silent, like it was waiting for something to happen. The life never came back to that station.  The toxic interior began to show through.

Within a few years the signs were gone, then the pumps were removed.  The space turned empty and cold.  Similarly, my world was turned upside down as tried to comprehend the actions of my former husband trying to take my daughter away from me with cold false accusations, outrageous claims, and skillful manipulation of the courts and authorities.  Nothing was familiar.  Nothing was making sense. Nothing connected with my view of the world.  What was once bustling and busy, shiny and new, was now unidentifiable and barren. It stayed that way for another dozen years, continuing to rot.

Over that dozen years my daughter’s father’s efforts at alienating me from my daughter continued, and intensified.  As the years went on with court battle after court battle, I fought desperately to do what was best for my daughter, despite his vengeful actions.  It was hard.  It was deteriorating.  I had to come to the point where I had to accept what was happening, and my inability to control another person’s will, even if it is damaging and abusive to my child.  I realized I was powerless to change him, but I could control how I allowed the situation to affect me.  It could destroy me – let me decay and rot away – or I could use it to become someone new.  More beautiful and strong, with a purpose and a future.  That’s what I decided to do.

Earlier this month I drove by the old gas station.  I will see it regularly now as I return to the area frequently.  It’s no longer barren – in fact it’s rapidly being torn down.  Large machinery is smashing the building, digging up the pits and tanks, carrying away the rubble.  Seeing it disappear is encouraging to me.  Very soon it will be gone.  Nothing left but fresh smooth land waiting for something new.

I saw a sign yesterday that said new “Green Retail Space” was being developed there.  Perfect.  Not only is the decayed and toxic building being removed, but a new innovative space is taking it’s place.  Not just any old building either.  But a space that looks to the future with concern for the planet and people. I am eager to see what tenants will move into the “green” offices and retail space.

In life it’s all about the regeneration.  Shedding what’s old and toxic, and replacing it with love and truth, and moving towards our future with purpose.  It’s about always being “under construction”.

 

 

 

 

 

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What’s It All About

I am a mother, a wife, an entrepreneur, and a creative and spiritual person.  I’m in my forties, married, with our young son living with my husband and I.  I also have two teenaged step-sons, and a teenage daughter who don’t live with us.  I have been alienated from my daughter by her father and his spouse.  For someone who’s first description of herself is “mother”, the alienation has been he hardest thing in my life to deal with, and has affected me deeply.

I think it is Dr. Phil that claims everyone has ‘defining moments’ in their lives that affect deeply who they are and how they live.  Anyone who has been targeted by a vengeful parent will have that as a major defining moment.  It affects how you see yourself, your child, your spouse and family, the courts, politicians, life and God.

One thing I’ve realized is that I may feel like I have traveled through hell, but I’ve also been on a spiritual journey.  Much has happened to me spiritually since I first decided to leave my daughter’s father when I was in my twenties.  Old ways have been examined and discarded, new insights have been sought and found, questions have been asked, and some have been answered.  Many many prayers have been said, or cried, or screamed…

I’m creating this blog to be able to write about my spiritual journey though the Parental Alienation. Hopefully some of what I share about my experience will help others on a similar journey.  I’m pretty sure it’ll help me as I continue on mine.

Pamela

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